It wasn’t until the book was almost published that I met the actual “Becky” from Chapter 1 who blurted out in the women’s Bible study the now-famous phrase, “When will my life not suck?” Certain that I didn’t know her I made her “Becky” in the story to protect her identity. Earlier this year as the book was going to print I discovered that Cindy (her true name) is someone I’ve known for years! (I remember being simultaneously excited about that discovery and suddenly nervous as I wondered if I had told the story completely accurately and wondered if she would pleased with the book as a whole.)
Cindy and I had a wonderful reunion and conversation about the book. Though not fond of being in front of a camera, she agreed to a cameo appearance in the promo video. For me personally, the video took on another layer of profound meaning by having Cindy in it.
Cindy also consented to my interviewing her for this piece. I’m grateful that she did. What I’m most and eternally grateful for is her spontaneous and courageous honesty in expressing herself that day. In this interview you’ll see the same real and transparent person you meet in Chapter 1.
Cindy, what was happening in your life leading up to to the Sunday of the Bible study?
My story was quite a bit different from the life experience of many of the women. I had no lovely Brentwood home, no successful husband, etc.
What was happening was a whole lot of simultaneous………
I was in my early forties, newly divorced, two daughters who were mostly on their own, but my oldest was planning a wedding and my youngest was headed to college, both happening at the same time. Dollar signs for dollars I didn’t have were constantly dancing in my head.
I was stressed out and exhausted from working two jobs (I would work every day for 3 weeks straight, have a Saturday and Sunday off, and then start the 3 week cycle again). In my “spare” time I was trying to keep the farm mowed with a riding mower that always had a flat tire and only started a fourth of the time. I spent a lot of time kicking tires and yelling the other “s” word.
The roof of my double-wide trailer leaked so bad that I had a flood in my kitchen and living room every time it rained. I put the ladder up against the house and carried one brick at a time up to the roof to hold down an old ripped up tarp. Old one because I didn’t the money to buy a new one.
There were job issues, ex-husband issues, car issues……I was so afraid the car was going to die on me that I would drive it thru as many parking lots as I could to avoid being on the road. It had a sunroof that leaked and rain would pour down on my head when I was driving. The car would stall if I tried to run the air or the defroster.
I had 5 dogs (2 inside / 3 outside). The 2 inside would literally fight to the death if they got loose in the same room. There were many scary moments when I would end up getting bitten while trying to pull them apart. Baby gates all over my house and trying to remember which dog was behind which door was chaos. I came home one day after work and found my dog Molly had died on the porch. I spent the rest of the night digging a hole big enough for a 60 lb dog and grieving while I buried what felt like one of my oldest friends. After that my oldest dog, who had been my biggest protector for 15 years, started into kidney failure and having seizures. When he couldn’t walk anymore I would have to leave him on a blanket in the house while I worked. Every night I would carry this 65 lb dog a good distance to get him out to the grass, praying he would be able to do what he needed to do, and praying on the way back in that I would get him there without dropping him.
There was also the “little” matter of the farm. After the divorce I couldn’t afford the mortgage on my own and my ex was getting less and less reliable in helping until we could get it sold. I was eventually approached by a developer who wanted to buy. I thought my prayers had been answered…..and looking back in reality they were…..I just had no idea at the time that I was going to have to spend the next 2 plus years begging for my life with a town so set against a new development. Nobody loved that farm more than me. I had worked it with my own two hands for 15 years. The last thing I wanted was to see it developed and my heart was broken. But I was deep in debt from having to take care of so much on my own, foreclosure was lurking around the corner, and my reality was either sell or be homeless.
Do you recall what you were feeling during the gathering itself just prior to your “question”?
I just remember being exhausted and “on the verge”. All of the balls I had been trying to juggle seemed to be falling all over the floor. And I had been stung by the cruelty that came from people who didn’t even know me or what my situation was.
I was in Karla’s class, sitting around the table with a group of women who truly built their faith together. We were discussing Exodus and the Israelites’ journey to the Promised Land. We would always try to find the ways that the Scripture applied to our present life. I remember asking if our only Promised Land was Heaven or if we had any chance of experiencing some kind of land of promise in this life. At some point the frustration and the fight to hang onto hope collided and my hand slammed the table. My declaration of my sucky life was made and all I wanted to know is when was it going to NOT suck!
What was the initial reaction in the room? What was the leader’s reaction? Then what happened?
I’m usually a quiet person unless I have something that I feel I just gotta say. I’m not sure if they were more stunned by what I said or just stunned that the quiet one was suddenly so forcefully blunt.
Karla and the rest of the class were great at diving right into trying to search out the answer.
How/when did you find out that your honest & courageous question had inspired a book to be published?
I guess it was around a year ago I heard about it. My daughter, (who also is wed to Karla’s son) heard Karla talk about it during a family gathering. I just remember being surprised that one simple outburst would have that kind of impact. My mind was on my sucky life that day in class, not on how being honest about it might somehow bring about a “not suck revival” of sorts……
What was reading the book like for you?
Although I had spent the last few years learning to cope, daily reminding myself to believe God, trying to live a positive and fulfilling life……(I always think of Lucy’s line to Charlie Brown – “You need involvement”)
I still couldn’t claim to have found the peace and contentment that Paul learned to have. I guess I’m still learning.
I actually started reading the book on the airplane on my way to Rio de Janeiro. We were on a mission trip to plant a prayer garden inside of a Leprosy Colony. (part of my quest to live a positive fulfilling life despite the desire to give up.) I relate to how you spoke of Paul as wanting the intimacy that comes from sharing profound spiritual experiences. But while reading the book I was reminded over and over that God can take all that sucks and use them as stepping stones, as fertilizer, as opportunities, as lenses into other’s pain.
I loved your reference to God churning our compost pile of all that sucks in our lives and making it into something “eternally rich”. It was God who allowed that question to spill out on “that day”. Because He knew that despite what my lips were saying, despite the feelings that I had at that moment, my heart knew He was worthy of my trust. Because He knew that on “that day” Karla would be there to hear it. And He led her to share it with you. And I believe that on “that day” God poured a flood of encouraging words of wisdom (funny, I started to say comfort and wisdom….but as you point out – there’s no comfort in choosing to not dwell in “suck land”) into your spirit so that those who needed to hear them could be reminded that there is so much more truth going on than what we can see in the moments of suckiness.
In the promo video for the book, you are the Mom holding the post-it note. Only a handful of family and friends know that. Or that your son-in-law was actually the filmmaker who created and produced the film. What’s it like for you to watch the video?
My heart just says a big “Wow”……….It was easier to do with my son-in-law. He already knew how weird I was. And I’m so proud of him.
I loved watching the post it notes be peeled away and taken by the wind. It’s funny how God transfers what He taught specifically to you, into the minds of the one’s that He wants to show it to the world. During those sucky days God led me to Isaiah 36:1 – 37:20 where I read the story of Hezekiah, about the enemies coming against him, and how he went up to the roof and spread it out before the Lord. I began everyday spreading all those simultaneous sucky things out before the Lord. I would envision taking one page for everything I listed and laying them out in a half moon and then I would say “God, I know you see this, and I’m down here doing my best to hang on until i see what you’re going to with it.”
I wasn’t sure what the post-it notes meant to the concept of the book when I saw the cover, but I knew exactly what they meant to me when I saw them blow away with the wind in the video.
Cindy, I’ve said during numerous interviews that you were unknowingly acting as a spokesperson for millions of people when you blurted out that question. Can you picture the crowd of people who would like to thank you?
It’s funny but the first thing I pictured when I read that question was a crowd of people wearing T-Shirts in Heaven that said “I sucked it up” and have a big yellow smiley face…..and the back would say “thank you Ramon”. To be blunt again, all I did was vomit up my pain in a “down on my knees, begging, asking why moment”……you were the one who took it and put the God given wisdom to the pages that are God ordained to reach so many.
If you were to write a few sentences of an epilogue in the back of the book what would you want to leave readers with?
To be honest I had to start by looking up the word “epilogue” – it was defined as “addressing the audience”, like when an actor would turn out of the play to address the audience. That clicked instantly with me since I have felt as though I was playing the role of “Becky”.
So I will take this as my moment to address THIS audience……………..
Despite any of the things that sucked in my life before that time, during that time, and since that time…..Believe me when I say that God CAN BE trusted. Learn Psalm 91:1-2, speak it out every morning….”My God in whom I trust”.
So many blessings were given in the midst of very hard days. I could list so many God ordained moments during that time that gave me what I needed to straighten up my tired shaky legs and keep moving forward. Those steps forward eventually led to a mission trip to Poland. We visited Treblinka (one of the death camps), a place where so many lives were taken and fragments of human bones and teeth were rising up out of the ground….in such a place of death there was some of the most inspiring words in the museum that were taken from a Ghetto diary. These words have had a profound impact on me (and I’m pretty sure Paul would relate to them also). These words are what I want to leave you with……..
“I’ve had a hard life, just the kind of life I prayed for– hard but beautiful, rich and sublime.”
( If you would like to personally thank Cindy and let her know how this interview has encouraged you and/or how her honesty that led to this book has been an encouragement to you, send your message to me at ramonpresson@gmail.com and I will promptly forward it to Cindy. I know your kind words will bless her. )
Connect